025 - As I wade through the number of fantasy picks this week with the naïve hope that they will all be counted, I am struck by two names from my past. Steve Irwin is competing in the Ken Kurbis Galaxy Bonspiel and Tom Clancy is skipping a rink at the West City Honda Curling Classic. There has to be a way to get these two names competing against each other later this season. Teenage me will explode with nostalgia for days watching the Discovery Channel and reading 800-page military technoporn.
Let us set the scene for an amazing cultural crossover.
It is December of 1999, and the Crocodile Hunter is returning home after a goodwill tour to the Soviet Union. Unbeknownst to his hosts, the Crocodile Hunter was acting as a covert agent working with a secret Australian / American task force. He has successfully smuggled out a microfiche containing the plans for the new MiG-33 fighter jet that could become the bane of NATO forces, hiding the film within one of the innumerable pockets found in and on his matching khaki shirt and shorts ensemble. As he navigates an inconceivably fragile craft down the Adelaide River, the morning sun is rising higher and higher, warming the bodies of a surprisingly large population of saltwater crocs that are currently hauled out on the banks.
Cut to a SH-60B helicopter that has just lifted off the deck of the Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser USS Bunker Hill. As the helicopter gains altitude en route to its rendezvous with the Crocodile Hunter, a seemingly insignificant hydraulic cable has developed a small leak and fluid is beginning to drip onto a hot exhaust pipe. After reading twelve pages that painstakingly detail the highly improbable list of system failures that ensue …
What will happen?
The only way to know for sure is to get Steve Irwin and Tom Clancy to face each other on the ice with brooms in hand.